solo1's Guide to Being German

Germans? I understand. To 'have fun' with the German in any meaningful sense of the word, one must first 'become' the German. This is easy and follows a number of simple steps:

1. Think of something really funny. Now keep telling yourself over and over again that it's not funny until you believe it.

2. Do this for all the funny things you have ever heard/thought/seen.

3. Imagine for a few moments that in order to have a mind-blowing orgasm, you didn't have to have sex for a few hours, but instead you had to 'achieve your project goals' and generally be efficient. In other words, attempt to achieve Ordnung.

4. Regularly complain of back pain, implying (but never directly mentioning) stress as the principal cause.

5. Never ask leading questions which can be answered in any other way. For instance, if you want to know the time, do not ask "Have you got the time?" as the answer will invariably be a singular "Yes". Instead, get in his face and scream "Tell me the time!" This should produce a similarly themed response, along the lines of "Ten past three!!" There is no hostile intent in this at all. It is merely Being the German.

6. Drive a big car, fast.

7. In queues, always be the first in line. If anyone tries to jostle you, you should not be averse to a good shove in the ribcage. This especially applies to rented sunbeds in Spanish apartments.

8. Although the temptation is almost too great to bear, never under any circumstance take the piss out of Lothar Matteus, or Goethe.

9. Rearrange all your Kerryman jokes to read "This Polish guy goes into a bar..."

10. Memorise the following jokes, which Germans will find hilarious:

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

• A man walks into a pub.
  He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

• Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
  She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

• What do you call a cat with no tail?
  A manx cat.

• Why do undertakers wear ties?
  Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

• How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
  One.

• Why do women fake orgasms?
  Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

• Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men going in and out of your wife's house." The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit."

• Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

• Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
  Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

• A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk go into a bar. They have a drink, discuss some theological issues, and go their separate ways.

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