Inventive Assassinations Inc.
After some more late-night conversations, I have decided that assassinations are getting boring. Anyone can just shoot someone. The trick is, in the famously counter-productive words of Golda Meir, to "make it spectacular". For instance, let's say you are aware of a former secret agent who is operating in London, who has already written one book about the KGB/FSU and is threatening to write another one, and let's say he's already talking to journalists about these matters. Sure, you could just get someone to shoot him dead. But wouldn't it be better for everyone to feed him radioactive sushi? We need more Alexander Litvinenkos and fewer John F Kennedys.
Services Currently Offered
| Premier Service |
This service is for hardcore applicants only. You will be backed by either a country's secret service or a large corporation. The target will be well-known and well-protected. We take no Premier Service commissions for less than $5,000,000. Death will be by gunshot, at a time and place of your choosing, and guaranteed. As is customary for affairs of state, we will require half the total amount upon agreement of the contract, and half when the contract is concluded.
Contact John in Premier Service for more details.
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| Corporate |
We know what it's like. They promised you the funds. They didn't deliver. And now you look like a tool. You need to send a message. The message should read: Follow through on your contract or you will die. We can arrange for such messages to be delivered on time and under budget.
Contact Paul in Corporate Affairs for more details. |
| Hentai Tentacle Death |
Service Discontinued. |
| Love and War |
This service is for girls who have been dumped or neglected by their principal love interest. We offer a wide variety of humiliating ways to murder the new trollop, so the way will be free to reclaim your misguided love. We offer the most variety and creativity in this category, and it's also the most reasonable.
For instance, we can put together a package where the new girl's dead body is placed in a high-cost hotel room, with cocaine and what police will refer to as "drug-taking paraphenalia" lying around. One client specified that the young girl's body be dressed as Tinkerbell and superglued to the outside of the building where she lived, giving the impression of a bug splattered on a windshield. The job was priced accordingly.
Contact Nollaig in the Love and War Department for more details. |
| James Bond |
This is a little difficult to explain, but this involves all sorts of complicated chicanery, including being dangled over a shark tank, being tied to a table while a laser works its way up the victim's middle, and being strapped to a nuclear weapon. For added realism, we can arrange a casino-style experience earlier in the evening. Also, if you wish, you may have the opportunity to put in a personal appearance to explain your plans and reasons in detail. White fluffy cat included.
Contact Ashley in the MI6 Office for more details. |
Testimonials
"His stupid bitch girlfriend was found headless in a canal. Now I'm blowing his job again, and everything's right with the world. Thanks, Inventive Assassinations!"
-Megan, Baton Rouge, LA
"After our countractor's penis was disentangled from the industrial cheese-grater, no one screwed with our company again. His death served as a salutary lesson to all contractors everywhere. Your contribution towards the effective operation of corporate America is valued, Inventive Assassinations!"
-Steve, Houston, TX
"Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I applied for a corporate killing and not a hentai tentacle killing, the result was spectacular. We can't find a single cleaning company willing to send a crew into the twenty-fifth floor. However, the target is dead, so I suppose I should be grateful."
-Alan, Cleveland, OH