Old Jokes Home

There is an internet newsletter called Popbitch, basically a celebrity gossip magazine. Unlike its printed comrades, however, it's very funny. In fact, the only part of it that isn't funny is the last part, called "Old Jokes Home". I keep forgetting what the old jokes are, so I'm recording them here for my own benefit, starting from today. If you wish to subscribe to Popbitch, which I recommend (unless you're easily offended or David Hasselhoff), go to their site.

Old Joke 23 OCTOBER 08

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man, "a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe.
With his last breath, his friend shouts
"Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."

Old Joke 10 OCTOBER 08

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."

Old Joke 3 OCTOBER 08

Q: Whats the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a cross country run?
A: One is a pant in the country, the other is a...

Old Joke 25 SEPTEMBER 08

Q: What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop bang bang clip clop clip clop clip clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting.

Old Joke 18 SEPTEMBER 08

A Freudian, a Jungian, and a Lacanian walk into a bar. The Freudian orders a cigar. The Jungian orders an Etruscan mask to conceal his face. "You cretins!" says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which, however, he does not desire.

Old Joke 4 SEPTEMBER 08

A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace. The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film. When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.
After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!" The man replied: "I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."

Old Joke 29 AUGUST 08

Two women are sitting in a cafe discussing plans. The first women says to the other, "I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "I'm having my asshole bleached."
The first replies, "I can't imagine your husband with blond hair!"

Old Joke 14 AUGUST 08

Why do I call my dog Blacksmith?
Every time I have a visitor he makes a bolt for the door.

Old Joke 1 AUGUST 08

What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.

Old Joke 24 JULY 08

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.

Old Joke 17 JULY 08

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?
Madeleine McCann's bicycle.

Old Joke 10 JULY 08

A man visits his doctor for a health check.
"I'm afraid that I am going to have to ask you to stop masturbating," says the doctor.
"Oh no, why is that?' asks the worried patient.
"Well, I am trying to examine you," replies the doctor, "and it's putting me off".

Old Joke 3 JULY 08

An amnesiac walks into a bar: "Do I come here often?"

Old Joke 27 JUNE 08

Q: What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A: A rock guitarist gets to play three chords in front of thousands of people.

Old Joke 20 JUNE 08

Q: What do you call a woman with no legs?
A: Fanny Walker

Old Joke 5 JUNE 08

An Irishman, fed up with anti-Irish jokes, starts taking English elocution lessons. After a few successful weeks he goes to the shops to try it out.
"I'll have an Observer, a Telegraph and a Times, please," he says to the shop-keeper.
"Are you Irish?" asks the shop-keeper.
"How did you know?" replies the shocked Irishman.
"Well, this is a fish and chip shop, mate."

Old Joke 15 MAY 08

Q) What's the difference between Jesus Christ and Silvio Berlusconi?
A) Berlusconi has never been found guilty at a trial.

Old Joke 8 MAY 08

Q: Why do Austrians go raving?
A: They love a little underground house.

Old Joke 3 APR 08

Q: Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake came out of the girl.

Old Joke 20 MAR 08

Q: There are two cows in a field - how do you tell which one is on holiday?
A: It's the one with the wee calf.

Old Joke 13 MAR 08

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Old Joke 6 MAR 08 (Scotland edition 2)

A man walks into a bakery, points and asks the girl behind the counter
"Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"
"No, you're right, it's a macaroon."

Old Joke 28 FEB 08 (Scotland edition)

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says, "Fuck off! Ye'll no bring it back!"

Old Joke 21 FEB 08

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a Ferrari?
A: You won't find a Ferrari in my garage.

Old Joke 14 FEB 08

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day with a duck under her arm. Her husband meets her at the door. She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".
"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.
"I was talking to the duck."

Old Joke 7 FEB 08

"Doctor doctor, I'm frightened of lapels.
"Ah, yes. You've got cholera."

Old Joke 24 JAN 08

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Old Joke 17 JAN 08

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

Old Joke 13 DEC 07

Q: What's orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Fanta Claus.

Old Joke 6 DEC 07

Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Old Joke 30 NOV 07

Brian Barwick sees an old lady in the street struggling with heavy shopping.
"Can you manage, love?" he asks.
"It's OK", she says, "I don't want the job, thanks".

Old Joke 22 NOV 07

I asked my girlfriend to tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said I've got a bigger dick than my dad.

Old Joke 15 NOV 07

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?"
"No", said Batman, "I've got china in my hand."

Old Joke 8 NOV 07: Special pet edition

I discovered my dog has turned into a bit of a locksmith. I stuck a poker up his arse and he made a bolt for the door.

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Old Joke 1 NOV 07

Q: What's the difference between a bull and Simply Red?
A: The bull has the horns at the front and the arsehole at the back.

Old Joke 25 OCT 07

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm. He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

Old Joke 18 OCT 07

Just been to my first Islamist birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but boy, pass the parcel was quick.

Old Joke 11 OCT 07

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks for eight legs of venison.
"That'll be Ł40," says the butcher.
"Ł40?" says the man. "That's too dear."

Old Joke 5 OCT 07

Q: What has anal sex got in common with spinach?
A: If you were forced to have it as a child, chances are you won't like it as an adult.

Old Joke 27 SEPT 07

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on, "I shouldn't even be having sex with you."

Old Joke 20 SEPT 07

Two prostitutes were standing on a street corner. One says, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

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